Talking With Your Teen About Healthy Relationships
Posted Date: 05/02/2016
The Basics
You can help your teen build strong, respectful relationships. Start by teaching your son or daughter about healthy relationships.
Unfortunately, many teens have relationships that are unhealthy. More than 1 in 10 teens who have been on a date have also been:
- Physically abused (hit, pushed, or slapped) by someone they’ve gone out with
- Sexually abused (kissed, touched, or forced to have sex without wanting to) by someone they’ve dated
You can help your kids:
- Develop skills for healthy and safe relationships
- Set expectations for how they want to be treated
- Recognize when a relationship is unhealthy
Talking about healthy relationships is a great way to show that you are available to listen and answer questions – so make sure to check in often with your teen. Together, you can agree on clear rules about dating to help keep your teen safe.
How do kids learn about relationships?
Kids learn about relationships from the adults around them. When you taught your child to say “please” and “thank you” as a toddler, you were teaching respect and kindness.
Your own relationships also teach your kids how to treat others. When you treat your kids, partner, and friends in healthy, supportive ways, your kids learn from your choices.
Children learn from unhealthy experiences, too. If they experience violence at home or in the community, they are more likely to be in unhealthy relationships later on.
When should I start talking about dating?
It’s best to start talking about healthy relationships before your child starts dating. Start conversations about what to look for in a romantic partner. For example, you could ask your child:
- How do you want to be treated?
- How do you want to feel about yourself when you are with that person?
What makes a relationship healthy?
In a healthy relationship:
- Both people feel respected, supported, and valued
- Both people make decisions together
- Both people have friends and interests outside of the relationship
- The couple settles disagreements with open and honest communication
- There are more good times than bad
What makes a relationship unhealthy?
In an unhealthy relationship:
- One person tries to change the other
- One person makes most or all of the decisions
- One or both people drop friends and interests outside of the relationship
- One or both people yell, threaten, hit, or throw things during arguments
- One person makes fun of the other’s opinions or interests
- One person keeps track of the other all the time by calling, texting, or checking in with friends
- There are more bad times than good
People in unhealthy relationships may make excuses to try to explain away the hurtful parts of the relationship. If you see any of these signs, talk to your teen.
What is dating violence?
Dating violence is when one person in a romantic relationship is abusive to the other person. This includes:
- Stalking
- Emotional, physical, or sexual abuse
Abuse can happen in person, online, or with other technology (like cell phones). And it can happen in any relationship, whether it’s an opposite-sex (straight) or same-sex relationship. Find out more about teen dating violence.
Both boys and girls can be unhealthy or unsafe in a relationship. Sometimes, both partners act in unhealthy or unsafe ways. It’s important to talk to all kids about how to have respectful, healthy relationships.
Who is at risk for dating violence?
Dating violence can happen to anyone. Teens may be more at risk of being in unhealthy relationships if they:
- Use alcohol or drugs
- Are depressed
- Have friends who are violent
- Have trouble controlling their anger
- Struggle with learning in school
- Have sex with more than one person
- Have experienced violence at home or in the community
What are the warning signs of dating violence?
It’s common for teens to have mood swings or try out different behaviors. But sudden changes in your teen’s attitude or behavior could mean that something more serious is going on. If you are worried, talk to your teen to find out more.
Show your teen this fact sheet about healthy and unhealthy relationships [PDF - 681 KB]. 
Watch for signs that your teen’s partner may be violent.
If your teen is in a relationship with someone who uses violence, your teen may:
- Avoid friends, family, and school activities
- Make excuses for a partner’s behavior
- Look uncomfortable or fearful around a partner
- Lose interest in favorite activities
- Get lower grades in school
- Have unexplained injuries, like bruises or scratches
Watch for signs that your teen may be violent.
Teens who use physical, emotional, or sexual violence to control their partners need help to stop. Start a conversation if your teen:
- Is jealous and possessive
- Blames other people for anything that goes wrong
- Damages or ruins a partner’s things
- Wants to control someone else’s decisions
- Constantly texts or calls a partner
- Posts embarrassing information about a partner on websites like Facebook (including sexual information or pictures)
Help your teen stay healthy.
Dating violence can have long-term effects for both partners – even after the relationship ends. By helping your teen develop the skills for healthy relationships, you can help prevent these long-term effects of dating violence.
Someone who has experienced dating violence may struggle with:
- Depression
- Low self-confidence
- Eating disorders
- Drug or alcohol abuse
- Other violent relationships
A partner who has been violent may experience:
- Loss of respect from others
- Suspension or expulsion from school
- Loneliness
- Trouble with the law
Watch for signs of dating violence and help your teen stay healthy now and in the future.
Take Action!
Talk with your kids to help them develop realistic and healthy expectations for relationships.
Help your teen develop problem-solving skills.
Help your teen think about healthy relationships by asking how he’d handle different situations. You might ask, “What would you do if:
- ... you think your friend’s partner isn’t treating him right?”
- ... your partner calls you to come over whenever you try to hang out with your friends?”
- ... your friend yells at his girlfriend in front of everyone at a party?”
It may help to use examples from TV shows, movies, or songs to start the conversation.
Be sure to listen respectfully to your teen’s answer, even if you don’t agree. Then you can offer your opinion and explore other options together. Use these tips to start a conversation with your teen.
Set rules for dating.
As kids get older, they gain more independence and freedom. But teens still need parents to set boundaries and expectations for behavior. Get tips on setting rules for your teen [PDF - 175 MB].
Here are some things to talk about with your teen:
- Are friends allowed to come over when you aren’t home?
- Can your son go on a date with someone you haven’t met?
- How can your daughter reach you if she needs a ride home?
Be a role model.
You can teach your kids a lot by treating them and others with respect. As you talk with your teen about healthy relationships, think about your own behavior. Does it match the values you are talking about?
Treating your kids with respect also helps you build stronger relationships with them. This can make it easier to communicate with your teen about important issues like staying safe.
Check out these resources:
If you are worried, talk to your teen.
If you think your teen’s relationship might be violent, take these steps:
- Write down the reasons you are worried.
- Tell your teen why you are concerned. Point out specific things that don’t seem right to you.
- Listen to your teen calmly, and thank her or him for opening up.
Get help if you need it.
If you are worried about your teen’s safety, there are people who can help.
Loveisrespect is an organization that offers support and information for teens and their parents or friends who have concerns about dating relationships. To get in touch with a trained peer advocate, you can:
- Call
1-866-331-9474 FREE - Text “loveis” to 22522
- Chat online at www.loveisrespect.org
You can also contact your state’s domestic violence coalition to find resources near you.
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